Parents, who’s to blame when things go wrong in youth sports?

By Janis Meredith | Posted 8/19/2015

Let’s be honest: Sports parents are not objective observers. We think that our kids can do no – or very little – wrong. We insist that it’s not their fault the other team scored, and we blame the coach or other team members for something that just may have been our child’s fault.

My daughter played on a basketball team with a parent who made it her job to yell from the bleachers at her daughter’s teammates when they dropped her passes or didn’t pass the ball to her when she was open. It was as if she wasn't able to admit that her daughter could make a mistake on the court. It was always the teammate who was wrong, not her daughter.

I’m guessing you’ve met a few parents like that.

Or sometimes we over-critique and come down way too hard on our own children. We think the one mistake our kids make is the huge elephant on the field or court, when in reality it’s only a fly on the end of the coach’s nose.

Either way – too hard or too soft – it seems impossible for a parent to be objective when watching their own children play sports. And yet there are ways.

How can you be both objective and subjective as a sports parent when it comes to assigning blame in youth sports?

  • Admit your bias. It’s OK to be biased toward our kids. We’re supposed to be their biggest cheerleaders and supporters. There’s nothing bad about believing in them and hoping that they will succeed.
  • Realize that every parent thinks that way, too. We tend to look at other parents and think, “What is he thinking? His kid is terrible!” But remember, he has the same parental bias that you do about his child. Seeking to understand other parents may help cut down on conflicts and drama.
  • Separate your child from the mistakes. Mistakes are inevitable and forgivable. Every single athlete in the history of the world has made mistakes. If your child makes one, shake it off and move on. That mistake neither defines him or holds him back from success.
  • Celebrate for every child on the team. You may not always feel like doing this – that’s parental bias kicking in – but strive to be a parent who cheers for the entire team, not just your child. Be a parent who cheers for every kid.
  • Try to understand what the coach is seeing. I believe there is a huge disconnect between youth coaches and sports parents. A parent is focused on one child; the coach is focused on the whole team. If sports parents would seek to understand a coach – talk to him, ask questions – instead of condemning him, they might get a better glimpse of his perspective.

As a sports parent, you will have days when objectivity wins and days when it does not. But this is a battle that is not worth getting stressed over as long as your child has a fun, character-building youth sports experience.

Janis B. Meredith, sports mom and coach's wife, writes a sports parenting blog called JBM Thinks. She authored the Sports Parenting Survival Guide Series and has a podcasting series for sports parents. You can also find her on Facebook and Twitter.

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